Variety, a TF2 Story
by I'mMattman
Summary: In order to fight the vast metal armies of Gray Mann, an equally large army of clones was formed, based on the original eighteen mercenaries of RED and BLU. These clones however, varied in many fashions from their templates After the war between BLU, RED and Gray Mann's Machine army came to an end, the mercenaries sort new lives. Many weird and wacky adventures await...
1. Prologue

_Ohhai. Thanks for taking the time to check out this story. This is my first Fan-Fiction ever. I've read hundreds off this site, but yeah, I'm a first time writer. So any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully, I should be able to get new chapters, updates, etc, up fairly quickly. _

_So enjoy the story (hopefully) everyone!_

_-I'mMattman_

_-P.S If anyone wants to chat on Steam, my username is [Lazy] Lord Pootington. Just make sure you mention that you found me from this, otherwise I'll just be like "Who is this stranger?" O_o_

**Prologue**

In order to counter the large robotic armies of Gray Mann, The Administrator came up with a desperate scheme. The eighteen mercenaries she had at her disposal (after the deaths of Blutarch and Redmund Mann) although extremely talented (and insane) were simply not enough.

She therefore decided that if Gray Mann could build robotic clones of her men, then she would take a leaf out of his book. The numerous respawn rooms the mercenaries used were given an additional power. As well as restoring the lives of the original eighteen men, they could also create new lives from scratch. These new lives would be made in the forms of organic clones of the mercenaries.

However, these clones were not always identical to their original templates. Many variations of the two Demos, Engineers, Heavies, Medics, Pyros, Scouts, Snipers, Soldiers and Spies came into being. Eventually, the original mercenaries and their organic clones defeated the majority of their robotic counterparts. Gray Mann himself disappeared in a final confrontation with Saxton Hale, who to this day, is also still missing.

With the war between RED, BLU and the Gray machines over, the mercenaries ventured out into the world, to take on new adventures. Some sort mundane, simple lives, after the chaotic madness of working for RED or BLU, some couldn't get enough madness and chaos, and some managed to get just enough of both normal and abnormal in their lives for a totally awesome story which I am now typing, and yes, I am now speaking in first person because I AM THE ALMIGHTY TELLER OF THIS TALE, SO BE SILENT, AND READ ON!


	2. Chapter One: The Totally Hot Psychopath

**Chapter One: The Totally Hot Psychopath**

The three of them stood together on the bridge, staring at the odd sight before them. The Engineer, the Sniper, and the Scout had seen their fair share of madness, but they could still be surprised.

Now, I should stress. Remember the clones and shit I mentioned on the previous page? No. Okay, go back and read that, and I'll wait a minute.

…done?

Good.

Anyways, these three are not any of the original eighteen mercenaries of RED or BLU. For starters, there are some noticeable differences. The Scout, with a mane of long black hair, black sneakers, black leather gloves, a tattered long-sleeved shirt, and an electric guitar slung over his back, varied a lot from his template. The Sniper wore simply a shirt with the sleeves rolled up, (minus the signature Sniper jacket) a woolly cap, and round-lensed shades. The Engineer wasn't too different from their template. Just the exception of the fact that this Engineer was a woman. With the noticeable additions of a female body under the familiar Engineer garbs, and long brown hair replacing the chrome-dome of her template, she could have been a double for Dell Conagher.

….I guess?

*Ahem*

Oh yes, I should mention that these guys have their own names. Fancy times when people can have their own names, right?

The Scout has kind of an embarrassing real name, so he's just referred to as "Rocky" for obvious reasons. The Sniper is called Bruce Mundy, keeping the surname of his template. As for The Engineer, she's called Kath. She seems to like keeping her surname a secret though, so don't bother asking.

What were they staring at? Another clone.

Well, technically two. It's just that one was made of metal, and shouldn't have still existed. The metal giant resembled the Heavy Weapons Guy, but far outstripped him, due to his significantly larger size. Perched on his shoulder was a female Scout. For some bizarre reason, as well as a pair of goggles hanging around her neck, she wore a soldier's helmet, and held a katana in her hand.

This combination did not help her in the "looking sane" department. From underneath the helmet, she glared back at the other three humans. Practically radiating hatred.

Rocky edged closer to Bruce, and whispered out of the corner of his mouth

"Dude, she's pretty hot"

Kath overheard, and mentally face-palmed.

"Kid, this is probably not the time to get a bloody hard on over some girl you've just met!" Bruce responded under his breath, keeping his eyes on the maniac glaring at them.

"Plus, in case you haven't noticed, she's got a sword, looking at us like a complete psycho, and she's standing on a Gray Heavy-Bot!"

"…I bet I can get her number"

Bruce sighed. Why did all the Scouts have to be so bloody single-minded?

"LISTEN TO ME YOU TINY MAGGOTS! YOU WILL GET OUT OF MY LAND, OR FEEL DEATH STRIKE YOU SWIFTLY" Shrieked the girl atop the robot.

It wasn't the fact that she had shouted, that had startled Kath, it was how she had threatened them that caught her off guard. It sounded like a very un-scout-like threat.

"Fellahs? I am the only one who thinks that Fem-Scout just talked like a Soldier?" She turned and faced the other two. Bruce seemed to notice it now as well. Rocky was still drooling over the mad-girl. But she had run short on time to dwell on this identity crisis.

Another shriek came, and Kath turned, to see the sword-wielding Scout lunge through the air straight towards them, followed by the giant Mecha-Heavy she was previously stood on, swinging its giant fists of steel in their direction. She ducked, the psychopath sailing overhead. Bruce had to flatten Rocky to the floor, so that his fantasies wouldn't be interrupted by a sudden death. The lumbering machine, ground to a halt, and changed direction, to face his missed targets. Rocky snapped out of his dreams, only to be tackled again, only this time by the recent subject of his dreams.

"LISTEN TO ME YOU LONG-HAIRED HIPPY! SURRENDER NOW, AND I WON'T TURN YOUR SORRY GUTS INTO CHOWDER!"

Rocky couldn't help himself. "Why the hell did that turn me on?"

The Fem-Scout swung her sword down, shrieking cold, bloody murder.


	3. Chapter Two: Fight or Flight

**Chapter Two: Fight or Flight**

CLUNK!

The descending sword-blade made contact with Rocky's Electric Guitar. Luckily, despite being still head-over-heals (or maybe penis over brain? Whatever sounds better to you) in love with the furious Femscout sat on top of him, he still had the sense and quick reaction, to defend himself. He would later deny it, but he was struggling to parry the sword. _Shit she's strong!_ he thought.

Bruce and Kath were currently ducking and dodging the surprisingly quick attacks of the massive robot, who had taken to targeting the two of them, seeing as his ally was dealing with the third member of this group. Bruce had absolutely no idea how to take the big robot down; he did not have his rifle on him, as nowadays, he rarely needed a weapon. Kath, on the other hand, was cooking up a plan. She used the next swing, as an opportunity to dodge and get next to Bruce.

"Do yah see that-there water tower?" She looked over quickly to an old, precarious water-tower, sat on top of a nearby shack.

"Bet this bloke ain't water-proof" Bruce responded, catching on quickly.

With the plan decided, the two of them began weaving between the bot's legs in a more synchronised pattern, beginning to lead him towards the old structure, as he continued wildly swinging his colossal fists. Kath hoped that the massive metal man wouldn't get a lucky strike in, before they reached their own target. Bruce hoped they wouldn't get trodden on.

"So I haven't seen you around here before…been around for long?"

"SHUT UP AND FIGHT, DAMMIT!"

Rocky sighed.

"Suit yourself, beautiful"

He managed to catch his opponent off-guard with a sudden hip-thrust. The Femscout slid off Rocky, and he used the moment of distraction to jump to his feet. He changed his grip on his prized guitar, when he noticed something wrong.

The Femscout's strike had left a huge scratch. No-one had managed that before. No-one dared to mess with his guitar. And this…nutter, however hot she was, had managed to ruin his awesome, almost indestructible instrument.

"…Not cool man. I got this at a garage sale like, ten years ago! This guitar has been with me since I was ten! It's like my baby…and you…

You.

Scratched.

My.

Guitar."

"STOP CRYING LIKE A BABY, AND FIGHT ME, YOU COWARDLY CANADIAN!"

The gloves were off now. Rocky, now full of a passionate, demonic rage over the damage done to his love, raised the guitar, and charged his maniac of a foe, now mirroring her insanity, with a savage shriek of his own. Finally seeing his aggressive side, the Femscout smirked, and met his charge with her own strike, and an equally mad war-cry.

Sparks flew, as guitar met blade, the two Scouts now swinging in a flurry of fighting; the Scout that looked like Ozzy Osbourne's off-spawn, and the other a strange union of Scout and Soldier.

Now, you would think that logically, Rocky attacking further with his guitar would only damage it more, but well… that boy was mad beyond logic now. This therefore made him an equal match for the equally insane Femscout-Soldier foe he was fighting.

He jumped over her head, and tried to catch her from behind with a strike, but she quickly countered with a kick, which hit the poor boy directly in the testicles.

Soon, a huddled mass of hair laid on the ground at the girl's feet, as Rocky's long messed-up mop of rocker hair covered half his face, hiding it, as it contorted in pain, and humiliation at the literal low-blow she had dealt him.

"I swear…hnnng…all the hot ones are messed up…ow…" He grunted under his breath, as his opponent, grinning with sadistic satisfaction, prepared herself for a second attempt at striking the boy, while he was distracted by a sensation in his nether-region yet again.

"KATH! HOW LONG ARE WE GOING TO BLOODY WALTZ AROUND THIS BLOATED TOASTER?!" Yelled a grumpy Bruce, as they made slow progress towards the water tower, which slowly came closer and closer.

"JUST KEEP GOING!" She responded. She had to brush sweat and hair out of her eyes simultaneously, as well as dodge and weave around the robot's flailing limbs. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rocky fall to the ground in a heap, as his opponent the demented Femscout kicked him in the balls. "Darn…" She groaned

Bruce narrowly missed being smacked in the chest with a giant fist, however, his earlier fears of being trodden on became a reality, as a giant foot came down upon his own, crushing it with the force of a falling car.

However, the next steps of the distracted machine lead it straight into the side of a conveniently placed run-down shack. As it smashed through the small rickety wooden hut, the old water-tower perched on top came tumbling down, and shattered on his huge head like a water balloon.

The metal monster started sparking and jerking. Its head span round and round, shrieking a mechanical cry of pain, as it became a giant, mobile firework display. It blundered around, striking itself, attempting to fix the error messages erupting in its electronic brain, as its circuits were soaked.

The Femscout was relishing the moment. _Another glorious defeat in battle! Another communist head for my collection!_ She began shrieking a victory-cry, as she brought the sword down, when all of a sudden; a massive, exploding mass of metal struck her, an iron knee hitting her head, knocking her unconscious. She crumpled to the ground, landing spread-eagled next to Rocky, still writhing in pain after her less-than honourable testicle-tactic.

The Mecha-Heavy's circuits had reached their limit. The lights in his eyes suddenly switched off, and the hulking machine-man ground to a halt, making the ground shake as he struck the earth face-first.

"Shoot, that seemed too easy" Remarked Kath, relieved that her plan had effectively killed two birds with one stone. She was half-tempted to do a little victory-dance, but restrained herself._ That's more Rocky's thing, and Bruce would probably be grumpy about that_ she thought. _Shit, better help them out!_

She looked around to find Bruce hoping on the spot, muttering a string of curses, as he tried to put weight on his crushed foot. "Where's a bleedin' Medic when you need one?" he grumbled, as he saw Kath approaching.

"Need some help? Y'all ain't walking properly for a while until that foot gets fixed"

"Bugger…okay mate." Kath ducked under Bruce's arm, and let him lean on her shoulder, as the two awkwardly made their way over towards Rocky and their now defeated opponents.


	4. Chapter Three: A nice little chat

**Chapter Three: A nice little chat**

The girl slowly lifted her head, a sharp pain in her head. She tried to raise a hand to her head, but, for some reason, they were stuck behind her. Several thoughts wearily and randomly wove through her heard, before one finally came into focus, and she realised _I'm tied to a chair! Wait….where am I…what happened?_

A very confused Femscout finally opened her eyes, only to find an even more confusing sight before her; she was in a very old, elegant library. Or at least, it would have been more elegant, if it didn't look like a tornado had ripped through it, knocking over bookshelves, and leaving books and pages scattered everywhere.

This new knowledge did not help her pounding headache any further, and as she squinted in pain, she heard a shuffling from behind one of the bookcases.

"Errr…hello? Who's there?"

She heard footsteps coming from behind the bookshelf, suddenly causing her to panic. _I don't know why I'm tied up, but it can't be good_.

Out from behind the bookshelf came two people. One was clearly a fellow Scout. He was distinctive, because he had long, black hair, a tattered shirt, black sneakers and leather gloves on. He has talking animatedly to the figure next to him, who alarmed the Femscout, both because of the type of class it was, and for its distinctive features. The Pyro was wearing a bowler hat, and had modified its suit to look like a tuxedo. Another odd modification was a monocle, moustache and goatee, crudely taped to its gas mask. Furthermore, unlike any Pyro she had met before, despite a slight muffled edge to the voice, she could clearly understand the voice issuing from the mask.

_Okay, a posh, understandable Pyro, with an English accent. That's new. _

"…so you say this young lady attacked you in a rather fierce fashion?" It was asking the Scout walking next to him.

"Yeah! But dude, I whooped her ass in the end. That crazy chick still managed to scratch my baby though. Man, it's going to take weeks to varnish that scratch out!" He responded, with a dejected look.

"From what I heard, old chap, it wasn't you doing the "ass whooping" as you so elegantly put it"

The Scout's face suddenly turned a furious shade of red. "Dude, no-one gets the drop on me!"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure" The Pyro waved the conversation aside, as they reached the tied-up Femscout. She flinched, as the Pyromaniac reached out a hand towards her face. He chuckled in response.

"Don't be alarmed my dear, we don't mean any harm."

She looked down at the ropes binding her to the chair. She couldn't help but smirk a bit.

"So…why am I tied up? A frigging surprise birthday party or somethin'?"

The Pyro chuckled again. "You are certainly like a typical Scout in some ways. But, alas, my colleagues informed me that you weren't exactly…hmmm…how to phrase this…_all-scout_ when you and they clashed?"

This only confused the girl even further. She had no idea what this pompous gas-bag was on about.

"Wait, what? What clash? Da hell you on about?" She wriggled around in her ropes a bit, starting to get annoyed by these questions, these statements that made no sense. The long-haired Scout in front of her took a step forward.

"Seriously dude? Were you wasted or something? Don't you remember the fight? Me, you that Giant-Robot Hea-"

"Giant Robot Heavy? OH! You mean Canman!" Her eyes lit up at recognising something they were talking about at last. She looked around, hoping to see his familiar face, but saw only the Pyro and the other Scout "Wait, where is he? You said about a fight or somethi-IF YOU'VE HURT HIM! I'LL-I'LL-" The Pyro placed a hand gently on her shoulder.

"Child, you are in no position to make threats. You have no need to threat. Our Engineer can repair him. Besides, we could use the help of such a strapping giant man, even if he was one of Gray Mann's monsters!"

The Scout cleared his throat, and the Pyro looked around to him.

"Hmmm? Ah yes! As you were my friend, please explain what happened to the lady!"

Partially relieved that her friend was still alive, but a bit worried about the Pyro announcing the intention to use him, the Femscout wished nothing more than to find him, and escape. But after hearing the Pyro asking her fellow Scout to tell her what happened, she looked up at him.

"As I was sayin', me, you, that Canman guy, Kath and Bruce-"

"Who are they?"

"Our friends, they're an Engineer and Sniper, respectively. " Interjected the Pyro. The Scout gave him an annoyed look.

"Ah, I interrupted again. Apologies Rocky my lad, carry on."

"Whatever man. The three of us were walking along this bridge, right, on our way back here, after going to find some more metal for Kath to use for her machines and shit. But then you an' that big-ass robot come out of nowhere! You were frigging shouting something…Kath said something about you talking like a Soldier…I was kinda…distracted…" His face went red again, as he shifted awkwardly on the spot.

She was completely baffled by what she just heard. Not a single word of it made sense. _Talked like a Soldier? Do I have some amnesia or some shit like that, or are these guys lyin' for some reason? Something just ain't right _

The Pyro was stroking his fake goatee, apparently lost in thought.

"I have no idea what you are on about…I don't remember anything about this fight at all! This isn't some weird interrogation technique or something like that?" She cast a suspicious glance at the two of them. The Pyro continued stroking the Goatee, while the Scout called Rocky looked surprised.

"You're kidding me, right? You wanted to turn my guts into chowder! Remember saying that? You were even wearing a dam Soldier's helmet!" He walked over to a box sat on another chair, and pulled out a tarnished Soldier's helmet, which had a large dent in the front of it.

"Look familiar?" He asked, waving it in front of her, apparently impatient with her slow memory.

"…Yes. But it's not mine!" She added quickly, as an angry look flashed across Rocky's face.

"Make up your frigging mind man! Is it yours or not!" He dropped it on her lap, and started pacing, clearly frustrated. The Pyro sighed.

"My dear, this isn't making much sense, I'm afraid. Is there something you're not telling us? Or did you genuinely forget the fight?" He asked, keen to try and give his Colleague some time to calm down. _The lad, despite initially liking the girl, is clearly still mad about his daft old guitar _he thought. _Ah, the problems of youth!_

The girl was starting to get even more frustrated, leaving the Pyro with two stressed Scouts to deal with. In spite of this, however, she made her best effort to keep a cool head. Perhaps if she kept a cool head, she might get through this.

"Look, I am being completely honest here. I have no idea what the hell happened. I have no idea why I was acting like him, or wearing his helmet-"

"Pardon the interruption, but…who is this, "he" you're referring to?" The Pyro asked, tilting his head to the side out of curiosity, strangely reminding the girl of a confused dog.

"Seems kind of obvious, but he was a Soldier. An old friend of mine. But I only learned his name the last time I saw him…it was kind of a weird name for a man…" She said, desperately trying to remember it…it was that, surely?

The Pyro leaned in a bit closer.

"By all means old bean, do tell"

"I think…I think it was…Jane Doe."


	5. Update

Update Time:

I can be a bit random with when I get around to updating things, so bare with me. This will be updated some day (plus I have no idea how many people have read this, but I can assume it may only have been the odd one or two people, if even that).


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